Where the Road will Go

corazondemelon @ 2007-05-31T20:31:00

2007-06-01T03:36:25Z

It's exhausting finding strength and calmness from within yourself. But a fast drive from Davis to sac with the window open, the beautiful almost Sacramento night air hitting me and loud Spanish music in the background I cleared my head.
I think sometimes you just need to let yourself go, freak out about the future, indulge your weaknesses, if just for a moment to remind yourself how ridiculous they are.
While graduations may induce a feeling of being lost, or as if the world has passed by too fast (a first for me), it's an exciting time. I've been looking forward to these weekends for awhile and then I freaked!
I've barely hit my twenties and my brother is still in his.
We have more graduations, travels, weddings, first jobs and eventually career successes and children.
We'll face loses of loved ones, friends, job difficulties etc. But as my mom said this whole year during my thesis, this too will pass.
It's like in elementary school. In 3rd grade 6th grade seemed super scary and difficult. By the time you got there you were ready. By high school I learned this pattern quite well. Even though chemistry seemed scary and physics seemed like a foreign concept by the time I got there I was capable of understanding the subjects.
That's how life is, sometimes you're not ready for the things that hit you and may never be, but mostly life will be ok, and even fantastic at times.
So this weekend I'm so excited for the graduation. Then I'll come back to finish a paper, go salsa dancing, hit up sudwerks, watch a clint eastwood movie, sbs....

The lights are on but I'm still happy

2007-06-01T02:15:35Z

I shouldn't drink caffeine, but I did and my mind was racing. Perhaps, it's that by this weekend my brother will be a DR. and in twoish weeks I will be symbolically a college graduate. It feels like things are racing ahead and I'm a bit unsure of myself. I think it's mostly the caffeine. I feel mostly that I've learned mostly in these past four years of college that life really is what you make of it. I've really enjoyed my four years of college perhaps with the exception of my second year. This year has been one of the hardest years of my life, emotionally and academically but I've learned that even through such tough times you can still enjoy life.
Or perhaps the prospect of leaving my roommates, girls I could easily see living in a house with through law school, or at least another year.
Last night, the light was on as I fell asleep, Liz typed away, jen practiced her guitar, Nicole listened to flogging molly as she washed the dishes and I realized how much I would miss these noises. I was so content at that moment even though normally on a warm night the light on would pose a bit of an obstacle for me to fall asleep.
I want to soak up these next two weeks, but I don't want to put pressure on these two weeks, because I suppose I have the rest of my life to enjoy. And these are friendships will carry throughout. Maybe, the same friendships don't last a lifetime but I really have a faith that good friends exist throughout each step of your life. I hope these friends last the rest of my life but I’m not worrying about it for now
LET the games begin :)

and so I sort of feel like

2007-04-16T07:43:47Z

ditching my thesis and curling up on my couch and watching movies instead or for some reason like jumping in the pool at midnight like I used to with a group of girlfriends. I loved those days, when the water was slightly cool, and the pool was lit up with a light and we kept jumping in to warm up. Im not sure why those are the two alternatives I'd rather be doing but they are. And it's not as if I'm that nostalgic; Im perfectly enjoying sitting with my roomies watching friends...really funny shows seem to be really good stress relief so perhaps I'll get season 3 of arrested development or friends..
I'm also really grateful I love dancing because being so involved in my thesis makes me realize how much potential I have for being a super uptight person; at least I can get out every once in awhile and the only phrases that are coming to me are super cliche (let loose, kick off my shoes etc). Basically when I dance I really forget what else is going on. Basically last night we went out after picnic day and I had an incredible time just dancing. I think I enjoyed going out with guy friends rather than having to fend off creepy or super drunk guys. I danced with colin for most of the time then I danced with my friend Matt and he noted that even though he saw me earlier this week for coffee and I was noting how stressed I am with my thesis, he knows how I can still have a good time. And it hit me then, I really dont drink much, I'm not a very adventurous or outdoorsy person. I like to travel, dance and read. And for right now dancing was a good outlet for my stress.
Strangely enough even though I have one of my more important classes in college I'm making different decisions about my piorities this quarter than I have made in the past. A lot of family events are going on and while I've always valued family but this quarter I really am making the choice to choose family and friends over stringent attention to my schoolwork. But I still feel like I'm a bit mia considering I won't be going out dancing or drinking or even many coffee dates till after may 15.
yargg...its only a month away.....

could it be a prettier day

2007-03-30T05:09:00Z

Well the past few weeks have been pretty high paced, intermittently stressful, but overall fantastic.
My 22nd was just as great as my 21st. I realized before the days of all those monumental birthdays; 16, 18, 21 birthdays were just fun for birhtdays. Seven was a new age and the excitement was celebrating the day.
I had such a beautiful birthday, Jennifer made an amazing video. She managed to catch 25 of my friends in 5 days wishing me happy birthday. I discovered how clueless I can be about others schedules.
The day before my birthday I decided start on my 24 hour vacation from school, liz and I drove around davis at sunset, we viewed clueless, then the girls jumped into the pool to ring in my 22nd. Then we sat down to watch entourage and found out about my video. The next day I spent getting a pedi, lunching etc. I came to my black and white dessert and wine bday a bit late, but it looked beautiful and friends from all diff realms came together and it worked out pretty well. My roommies as always were amazing; they made the night great.
Then we went to Cabo for spring break. I don't think I can convey how great a trip it was. i think things went through my head as to what I wanted to remember, what I wanted to share but it all disolves into just a wonderful memory. We had tiny little issues, like jen got locked into our room while I got locked out, we hit some turbulence, got a bit crushed, some unusual ass grabbing, offers for massages with some guys "three hands"
We were called barbies, charlies angels. We got to practice our Spanish, we tanned, we observed spring break craziness. We took part in spring break craziness and dancing. We danced on table tops, we got free drinks, facebook contacts. We snorkeled, went on a pirate ship, drank rum punch. In the end we had a fabulous time.
It was wonderful to get a chance to travel with friends and have a good time. I think so many experiences in my life this past year have just taught me to get to know myself better, to trust myself, and be ok with who I am and what I want.
we're going to SF tomorrow, and then i can already feel the thesis stress creeping up on me!! FIVE more weeks.
My thesis advisor says it will be a lot of work, but he thinks we can produce something I can be proud of....whewph ok its going to be worthit, and then I can REALLY enjoy the last five weeks.
aight, an exciting few weeks are yet to come :)
(GO BRUINS!!!)

feeling nostalgic

2007-03-17T09:07:47Z

So my birthday, my god!! I turned 22 -not 21 but I'd say this was by far the most memorable (well ok 18 is up there too) birthday with my friends. Jen got 25 of my friends to wish me a happy birthday on video in a week. I get the award for most oblivious roommate ever and she gets the award for most amazing woman and great friend.
My roomates helped make a beautiful birthday party. Wine, desserts, close friends, how could it go wrong? (plus a tux surprise made it even more special)
I am feeling a bit nolstalgic though. I think it just hit me that this is my last quarter here in Davis; how could frosh year have been so long ago? I think the drunken frosh at the park by my apartment sent me off down memory lane. Perhaps, the drunken people walking around my apartment caused the trip.
Perhaps its the week I get all weird during spring.
Though right now I'm taking things as they are, so maybe the weirdness is ending. I'm a bit behind on the take home final but ah well. I'll finish it tomorrow. And I'm feeling at ease with the idea that I'll turn in the right amount of page #'s and I'll give my advisor a good picture at what my overall thesis is going to look like.
In general though, my mom is right. This too will pass. I just hope I can enjoy life even while wanting to get past my thesis. We went out salsa dancing last night, so I think I'm working the balancing act, I'm not really sure in which direction, but I'm juggling :)

these past few months

2007-03-13T06:54:08Z

In some ways I look around and think about how much my life has changed in the past month. Its not as if my life has drastically changed but so much has happened this past year. It's not better or worse, just different.
In January, my mom and I were watching Gilmore Girls and I looked at her and thought wow, she's such a strong woman. She doesn't always let me know everything that she's going through and she handles it so well. I felt like she was going through something, and then she let me in. Her bes friend from high school, a friend who had gone to Disneyland with us, a friend who yearly went out with my mom and I for Christmas had passed away. We saw him a week before he died in the city to celebrate Christmas. We went shopping downtown then had a wonderful dinner at a very beautiful Italian restaurant he had never visited. We didn't find out until January. And in that moment she told me it was one of those moments where tears just start falling down your face, we hugged and went to the Cathedral to pray.
The next week i we went down to L.A. to celebrate my grandmothers 80th birthday. We watched Mariachis and my grandmother seemed oblivious of the family around her but she had such a happy look on her face and that warmed my heart so much. I sat there and thought wow, last weekend we found out such sad news and then the next weekend we were listening to a beautiful Mariachi song about life, and celebrating one of the lives that means the most to me.
This weekend I felt slightly under the weather and sluggishly worked on my thesis, but now I'm feeling better and I'm excited about my party. Our apartment is clean, we spent many instances with my roommates sitting arouond our living room, I got in a writing mood, and in sum I'm just in SUCH a good mood. I also think my roomate Nicole should always walk around with a top hat that has ears!
...almost 22..uhuh!

when the pangs of spring comes and the cherry blossoms are almost missed

2007-03-03T04:59:10Z

Ive been meaning to write for almost two months. I'm pretty sure I will do so as a break from my thesis induced almost hermit-like behavior.
As for now I will simply write; as I delete text messages i come across random messages from last spring;
3282006 Jen cell; met 3 of 4 boys next door dets later
--and I remember the elevator conversation we had, a cute guy lives next to us, oh god, please not another frosh year. As it turns out I'd avoid the 4th, 5th, and 6th floor but not the 9th. Plus he ended up being a bit of a sb party boy who I never really got to know.
March 2006
Larry cell; I miss you and hope all is well only 17 days of lent left
--and I remember the starbucks on dupont that called to me and the carabou coffee I was so interested in tasting while I gave up coffee for lent, and I remember being on the other coast from my friends, but then I remember texts from courtney; hey guapa are you at citron? or messages from christy and davis trying to meet up in the cafeteria of congress...
and then I remember how I'm still friends with them.
I spent the week going to a basketball game with some, studying and making ikea study break trips with another, and bumping into another and understanding each others stress about applying to programs for the next step in life.
Part of me misses dc like crazy and can't believe I'm not headed out to the ucdc center again; that part of my life has past.
But part of me can't believe its been a year since I met these new friends. I'm content to realize like that girlscout song, make new friends but keep the old, for right now, for a very short period in my life I get to hang out with dc friends and enjoy the company of my amazing roommates.
Ok so I'll write about the death of a close close family friend and my nanas 80th bday (what I had been intendign to write on) probably tomorrow.

corazondemelon @ 2007-01-24T23:42:00

2007-01-25T07:45:36Z

Sometimes people surprise you. I left my ipod at mishkas (first time I left it somewhere which is surprising for me) but two days later someone had turned it in!! I feel like dc all over again, its been three days and I drank wine all three days. I guess since this entry is so hokey anyway I might as well just add some days you need to take a deep breath in and be happy for the friends you have around you, those good times are just so good!! remember them....and hopefully there not too far apart.

corazondemelon @ 2007-01-18T15:27:00

2007-01-18T23:27:35Z

I'm in the basement at the library at the big woodish/green tables I love. Although this week has been full of shocks, ups and downs and the usual academic overload (and some confusion) as I walked into the library I thought how much I love my senior year of college. It's already far surpassed my senior year of high school. I fondly remembered my senior year of high school and it was marked by many fun times with friends at vics and lakecrest, we spent much of our time complaining about still being in high school. I really appreciated that year after it finished. At least I loved my summer after senior year. This year I actually realized I love this year during its actual occurrence. Last weekend I went to see Justin Timberlake, fuck it, I dont care if it's horribly tenth gradish but I find him incredibly sexy. Then we dressed as robots and cowgirls... Today I work on homework (my GOD I'm basically up to date), make dinner and then go with Courtney to meet some exchange students. She met two girls from Barcelona. I'm hoping I don't crash a Spanish conversation meet up, I'm not quite comfortable speaking in Spanish with those who are not my family (extended family) or working in locations where they rarely use English (like East los or Mexico). I'm working incredibly hard, but I'm making accomplishments and loving working hard. I figure out my job this week and start soon. Ciao!

cookies and arrested development, here's to a good winter quarter

2007-01-10T05:15:06Z

So I walk down stairs, the downstairs is abuzz with chattiness, arrested development and the smell of cookies. Ah...this quarter is going to be nice. Last night we had an impromptu roommate dinner, later that night we had cookies as planned to catch up with the "roomies" (in quotations, meaning carolyn was along)
This break was pretty nice, meaning the holidays weren't too chaotic. Of course there's always some situation, but it wasn't too bad (or hasn't turned too bad yet).
At starbucks before break carolers came in, all dressed up Victorian. I thougth it was lovely; the holidays! We clapped then they left and someone said, "ya they sucked." Yarghh, scrooges! Old Sacramento looked magical. I don't remember it ever looking quite so lovely as it did this year.
My Christmas was in the 70s and I found it delicious.
Now, I've heard that its in the 70's in nyc where my bro is and we're expecting a cold front, what????
As for the weekend, JT with Larry and dressing up as a robot (or cowgirl) for a dc friend's party.
now time for cookies and the next episode of arrested development.
Hopefully tomorrow I'll wake up with my voice and energy to attack my thesis :)

corazondemelon @ 2006-12-15T11:55:00

2006-12-15T20:07:27Z

well, for finals week it wasn't so bad. I maintained a less crazy demeanor by studying with various friends. It was nice to study and break for a laugh or a joint comlaining.
Then we ushered in the end of finals with Liz's bday. We had a bit of a fiasco, but I came home to find that my roommates had done more than adequate damage control. We made a liz, got yummy junk food, surprised her with a cake and ella fitzgerald singing in the background. We just had a ball with just seven of us at home with alcohol and food.
Then yesterday we went to joe's crab shack which reminded me of when ten of us went to bubba gumps on our nyc trip, very whacky and over stimulating.
During finals I was bummed by the thought that I had to work on my thesis and applications for summer programs in DC but now that all my other classes are done they feel manageable. Plus today I just get to relax. I had a massage (rescheduled from August), and Carmen could tell I had been under a lot of stress (here's to a less stressful 2007!). Then Francesca and I are baking and going to Target. Tonight we're celebrating the end of finals at sogas!! :) Lovely beginning to the holiday break!

curve balls

2006-12-07T21:53:27Z

Gosh! lIfe really does run fast paced!! And I suppose things happen for a reason. I bumped a car last week-bummer. it made me realize that while the California Primary Care Association offered the best opportunity to do the type of work I want to do (health policy), I really do want an internship that pays, even very little.
As it turns out, in three days I found out of three paid internships in health. My godsister sent one about aging, JC told me about one in farm worker health and then a good family friend straight up offered me a job in mental health for $11 an hour. This provided a happy medium. My mom wasn't entirely convinced the farm worker health job would give me much health policy experience and still advocated for the unpaid CPCA position. But now I think I'm going to take the job with the Department of Mental Health!! yay!!
Things work in the STRANGEST way!

I always did like that little lion...

2006-12-07T05:25:25Z

I'm feeling very circle of life lately...
A few weeks ago we went to Palm Springs. Lovely time. It was nice to be in beautiful sunny 80 something degrees! I got to see Francesca, we did homework, got our nails done, watched tv, kareokied...oh ya, to the wrong song but that's ok. And why is it that my craziest dance experiences are with my mom? (and possibly Liz) It was great to hang with my mom, my tia, and my cousin; and my mom's fiesty latina friends.
This Saturday I went to SF, really did get into the Christmas spirit. Seems like some years are more festive than others, this year our street is aglow!
I've been feeling sort of euphoric lately.. Friday Larry and I got together and discussed how we again feel like in a time frame of our life where things feel exciting and bursting with opportunity. I keep meeting new people...ya know I have the little circle that I see a lot but there's a whole new rotating cast and its fun.
My mom got a new job which was really exciting, but they postponed her start because they need to qualify her as childhood specialist which requires her transcript from her mph. I'm so happy for her though because she wanted to leave. My bro got an interview at Harvard for their neuroradiology department which was exciting but then he didn't get an intervew from UCLA. All these situations feel like a mixed bag but I'm hoping it all works out for everyone. Apparantly he's off to Boston tomorrow, life is moving at a pace I'm unused to, but slowly one with which I am accustomed.
I had five papers in seven days and I couldn't express the relief when I finished the last one this afternoon. At the same time I've slept a total of 13 hours in the past three days. So I'm exhausted and feel the ginning of a cold. I'm loading up on tea, preventative methods. On the plus side, cabo in sping seems like a definite! I can't wait, it will be SUCH a great break from my continuing thesis project.
The roommie situaiton is still really nice, it doesn't feel like my davis apartment it really feels like home. Liz turned to me the other day when she was listening to the RENT theme song on her myspace (now for a week there she played it all the time) and one of the last times she played it she turned around and told me, you know I think I love this song so much because it reminds me of all of us here. 10 thousand minutes....
I guess I feel circle of life because sometimes you can have the rug pulled out from under you and look around to see there are people there to help you get off your butt, and there are those constants but I'm getting a bit more used to the idea that sometimes the people you find around you to give a hug or listen to your tears over the phone may change, but mostly we'll all be ok.
especially if we get some sleep SO -->
Ok now Im gonna watch a movie and sleep. Deck the halls with...fallalalalala!
Merry Christmas a lil early. I'll probably have an uneventful break, I plan to conduct thesis interviews, dc applications and a few days rest around New Years. Hopefully, I'll also resolve which internship Im going to take next quarter.

slowly crawling back up

2006-11-15T03:57:26Z

AHH!! Things work out afterall. I met with a fellow classmate today and we figured out excell can do the calculatons we need for our policy memo. Sadly, instead of working on it in the mu this past hour before my 8pm meeting I ate a yogurt and prepared for my Berkeley research trip, so now I wil have to finish it tonight and skip out on 80's night with the girls, boo.
Also, I had my FIRST good meeting with my thesis advisor. I have the questions II am seeking to answer in my thesis. Now, I just need to answer them. Hell of a lot of work!! But still, he said he thinks I am doing a sound job, almost like saying a good job.
My Tupac paper requires more extensive research on African American's distrust of the government and I still don't understand my pol 51 class, but again life feels manageable. After making some re-evalutions of my life I feel like I made some good steps with my mom and my new roommate. These next few weeks are going to be stressful, nutty but they will end. Then the holidays, yay.

the old man is snoring

2006-11-13T19:32:52Z

You ever have those days where you're not sure how you're going to get through it? And its only 9am? That's today. But as always you know deep down that you'll figure out how to get an insurmountable amount of work into a short four weeks---possibly not at the best quality, but it will get done and the holidays will be around the corner.
As for Tuesday:
Tuesday was one of those days I remembered why I love California, even over Washington D.C. It was damn warm, in the 70's and in the trees were beautiful colors. On my way home to do my civic duty I looked out onto the Sacramento River and marvled at it's sparklyness, Sigh, I guess this is fall, full of bittersweetness. The beauty of fall giving way to the cold of winter and dead trees. My mood was bittersweet, sad over some personal issues but content with the weather and beauty plus excited to perform my civic duty.
At the end of the night after stinging pain, and difficult decisions, I was SO surprised and happy to find out we won the house back and possibly the Senate. Liz and I headed off to a Q and R party.
I talked to my dad on the phone and said, we'll that made my day, he said how about month? or year? ya perhaps. :)
Now the cold has come, four 10-15 page papers lie ahead of me, research trips to berkeley etc. But I'm trying to psych myself out into being ok with the cold...mostly just a way to trick myself into thinking law school in D.C. could be ok.
I feel beaten down but refreshed. I've faced a few issues this week and baked cookies. Next weekend Palm Springs, thank goodness!

corazondemelon @ 2006-11-07T00:28:00

2006-11-07T07:28:40Z

God I was going to write a crazy entry earlier today. I was so out of it, I forgot to eat breakfast etc. I had a stomach ache all day. I'm finally calmer and less sad.
But I've determined this has to be one of the WORST weeks ever. My roommate's boyfriend just decided to take a break...I SO didn't want this to happen. They had been together for over a year. It hurts me so much to see her hurt.
We watched a funny episode of studio 60 then I was going to work on my policy memo, but now forget going to sleep early and rested, its time to be there for a friend. We're off to watch clueless, my GOD there is too much sadness this week...here's praying the house will be won back, I can't wear black again.
OH MY GOODNESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!

corazondemelon @ 2006-11-05T23:04:00

2006-11-06T06:04:42Z

ahh!! My entry got deleted.
Basically, this weekend was nice because for the first time that feeling of being stressed from waiting for my lsat left my body, I didn't work on getting my apartment ready, I just slept, did homework and went to go see a movie.
Friday night was fun but bumpy as things normally are with us. We went to Zocalos and the boys (as was often the case in DC) took long getting in from Davis so they told us they'd give away our table. We got to sit down at one table and then right when the rest of our party came they gave away the table next to us!! Then we went to Avalon which was fun except for a an akward run in with one guy we knew from DC. But the dancing was fun and everyone was into dancing which was more fun. Then we got split up at the end of the night and unbeknownst to some the group inside the club once you leave the club you can't go back in. I talked my way back in which then meant that I got to look for them and I was definitly the WORST person to look for a group in a dimly lit room, but after going aroudn the club three times I foudn them.
Saturday I did homework then went to go see the Prestige which I really liked (except of course for larry and my mom's predictions :) call me simple but Ilike to just let the story unfold). It felt ever so calm this weekend. Like the calm before the storm, i still think all my classes will be maneagable, but I'm sure next weekend the storm will hit and it won't be so. But then by the end of this weekend i once again, I fucked up another friendship. For some reason this year I've had incidents that have ended friendships, and friends who just don't seem to want to be my friend anymore (those might in fact feel the hardest because it just feels like they don't like me anymore). It's like I constantly have tears in my sweling in my eyes but I'm so exhausted from feeling like a bad friend, bad person, or just unlikeable that I can't actually full on cry right now. I just want to curl up watch the tube then print out tupac articles and get that research project in order.

corazondemelon @ 2006-10-16T01:11:00

2006-10-16T08:11:38Z

the idea of the unattainable is fucking killing me.
weekend was productive and good. I saw beatlegeuse (or however you spell it) thursday night with the girls. I finally figured out why I even watched that movie as a 5 year old (as the little sibling I was dragged there), but its beyond me why it was on my top five favs.
Friday saw Kill Bill II with Drew, much better then the first one.
Saturday Aziz was in town, picked him up from the airport, coffee, then we went to his moms art exhibit on second saturday. I should really do more second saturdays. It was lovely, music, art and baked goods!
Then we went to Avalon to celebrate Veronicas 21st. That girl is such fun, my favorite moment of the night was when she just turned around and told this guy to go away because he was bothering her....of course she was drunk and could get away with it.
The thing I like about dancing is how close you can get, the thing I dislike is how close you can get. I really think I just can't handle clubs without guys. Once aziz left several guys came up to dance with me. And I'm seriously not into having guys trying to cop a feel before I know their first names. In the end dancing with friends is fun, dancing with guys I dont know ends up feeling gross and awakens in me a sense of how frustrated I am.
But for now I should def go to sleep as I didn't sleep much last night.

a hindrance of a generation

2006-10-16T07:53:08Z

you know what i despise?
aim.

I wish I could say differently...

2006-10-02T07:22:53Z

This is the answer to the question; the test did not feel like it went well.
I've tried to think it over and I cant think that there's any possibility of getting a good score back.
My mom took my mind off of it by sweeing me off and taking me to see Quinceanera...is it shallow of me to have liked the movie because it was cool to see people on the movie who looked like my family members??
Then that night my parents took me to paesanos. Very tasty, all had a good time.
THEN despite my terribly tired state I went to Cantina. I danced my butt off, several friends came by.
So that Saturday I was a bit dazed, but it started to hit me that I felt terrible about the test. It was great to get so many encouraging phone calls but it was the day of the test that threw me. That day several people called to tell me during the test that they were thinking of me, or proud of me etc. And it was then, when I got a message from larry who said that it was finally the day that I got to put all my hard work into use and he was proud of me.
Althought the test felt terribly arbitrary, I realized then I was proud that I worked hard.
tomorrow school starts and I promise to start returning calls :)

The SAT's with an L in front

2006-09-29T19:03:26Z

Ballroom dancing: My mom and I went to a tango dance. It was still going strong at 11 pm at the YWCA. World championship tango dancers performed. I've always been mesmerized by ballroom dancers, but that night I realized I seriously need to take ballroom dance lessons. I think my attempts at ballet and hip hop were seriusly deluded. Despite still not having any dancing talent I suppose those classes helped make my dancing ability less of a hindering sitatuion. The YWCA has swing dancing Friday nights. It sort of resembles a high school dance portrayed back in 1950's movies. I saw advertisements for Friday swing dancing on campus, so now I'm sold and I'm dragging along a friend or two.
Last year was fun and exciting, and all too much of an overload with guys that resulted in absolutely nothing. But now that I'm back at school I'm trying to ease back into being content with having absolutely no options. Perhaps I'll run more often to deal with the sexual frustration?
I hit a realization earlier this week that within the past 12 months I've lost more friends then I ever have in one period of my life before. I guess to clarify it's mostly that I lost friends I still care for. Some I barely got to know, others I knew for years-but I can't say I'm not sad about losing those friendships. It's just that I've always had a hard time letting go. I still miss the cherished relationships, or the way things used to be. In the end though relationships that lack reciprocity or have morphed into situations that are no longer loving and fun are only detrimental. It's like I have to breath deeply in and let my breath go, and truly let go.
It's sort of like that with the test tomorrow. I need to breath in, relax, truly belive in myself and take a first step toward a future I've chosen for myself.
I feel like I'm trying to change a triangle into a square. I wanted to be an chemist, an actress, then a journalist. I think I'd be good at interior design, being a party planner, maybe even working at a magazine. I can choose people's purses, throw good dinner parties but trying to go into politics is definitly a challenge. However, I feel -even if I'm not best cut out for this field- I want to pursue this career. I owe it to myself to at least try to do what I really want to do in my life. It may mean falling flat on my face, it may mean succeeding but I'll take my chances.
Im SO excited about my new living situation. I was in Davis with all my new roommates and it really is one of those places that feels like home, with people you really like and see having lots of fun with.
Now I've wraped up my summer. Monday I start school and for once I'm kind of excited :)

visit to the district

2006-09-27T03:23:27Z

So my trip was lovely. I got to do things that I didn't have time or money to do when I lived there for three months.
When we first got there it was disasterous; they lost our luggage, or hotel reservations hadn't gone through.
We ended up at the beautiful Hyatt on the Hill.
Sunday morning mom and I went to brunch at Eastern market. We scouraged around the market. I found a big turqouise ring, my mom ever so proud I liked a big ring snatched it up right away. Then we both got matching beaded bracelets with a shell decoration.
I studied some, then we went to see an ORCHESTRA perform in front of the capitol. Such a breathtaking night. I love the palm tree decorated view of the California Capitol but honestly it doesn't quite compare with the nations capitol.
At some point we went to the Native American museum, it was truly fantastic. We also made it out to the National Cathedral. I still want to watch the West Wing episode with the Cathedral. I took a picture with a kneeler made in honor of Louisa May Alcott -- I thought of my writer friends.
The rest of the trip was fun too. We ventured over to Fox and Hounds and got underage Elliot in. During the time I lived by Fox and Hounds I never much got the chance to visit.
I saw my roommie Veronica--at the fresh pretzils at the Capitol Brewing Company.
The highlight was seeing the conference come together that I slightly contributed toward. I got to "inform" (ie lobby) legislatures about Latina Health Issues and show my mom our office.
I went out for margaritas. And...craziness happens as always.
I feel exhilerated embracing my mediocre lsat score almost feels like truly accepting myself. For some its the strange nose, their unstable weight etc.
For me its my brain. I feel on a journey toward actually accepting my brain and feeling less insecure about it.
countdown; 3 more days

corazondemelon @ 2006-09-26T11:16:00

2006-09-26T18:16:50Z

I'm bordering between feeling bored, lonely and unloved and perfectly content with life. strange no?

things to come

2006-09-25T00:05:44Z

Ok, so future updates;
1) DC trip two weeks ago
2) My ballroom dance love
3) nunnery thoughts again
4) letting go
5) how I would like things to be

This is me, who are you?

2006-09-24T23:32:37Z

I know I should get over it and maybe I'm moving more toward feel comfortable and happy with the person I am sepearate and apart from my family and they have always been so supportive but I can't help it; they are all incredibly brilliant and smart.
For once I wanted to find my thing, he thing that I found out I was brilliant at or at least really got at. My dad is brilliant; he applies his brain in a magnificent way. My brother is just damn smart and charming. My Mom is smart in a way many people aren't and brilliant though she may not realize it in that she is one of the most magnetic people in the world. And I am the baby. It felt about time to careve in my niche to do just as well as them reach that next academic level. And the past few days I haven't been all so certain I could do it.
But as usual, I am scrapping by. I am barely at that level that confirms you're smart enough to be considered--as long as you bring a lot else to the table,
The problem is, I've never been so certain that I actually do a good job at anything other then school. I wasn't sure my package is good enough for those to look past the fact that I've never tested well.
In the end, I've come to accept, OK fine. I'm just never going to test incredibly well. At least I tried and now I have a stable score.
I got a call where my brother and I went over my qualifications and he said this "you're going to get into a good school in California, so don't stress about that. Know that you've studied the hardest you can for the test and go in confidently, want to take the test. I'm proud of you"
And that's exactly what I needed for right now.
I felt like earlier this week i finally learned how to study for the test, like perhaps if I had a few more weeks I COULD get a better score. But I might not. I felt like I just had to accept the score I am getting, accept that I'm not getting a great score but a solid one. For today, however, for the first time I don't just feel resigned to accept the score but I am content with it. I am content because THIS is me. I'm not a brilliant test taker and even if I had to work my ass off to just get a mediocre score, I am a fighter. I tried, and there is MORE to me than just a test score. And I'll work damn hard to have that come across in my law school app. And just for my own life satisfaction I'll keep working hard at growing as a person, being a good friend, sister and daughter. This is me, I worked to my fullest ability and I can get a 158 or 160 on the lsat and I am content because I tried my hardest, I gave it my all.
Phew. I finally feel at peace with it.....and next saturday I'll bring it. Then go out to the bars, drink sex and the beach, red headed sluts and take funny pictures.
Next update will be about my dc trip.
K NOW BACK to studying! ;)